I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
