The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
