come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
