No stitches, just platelets and will power
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
