I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize