how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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