I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I did not marry a roomba.
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