My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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