Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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