dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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