went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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