I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
