I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
