you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
