That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize