Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
