I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
