she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You took a bar mat shot.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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