i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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