I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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