I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
