so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
