It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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