Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All the doctor said was why
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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