When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize