remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
