I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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