I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
