bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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