do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
