I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
