so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize