Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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