I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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