Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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