life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
