Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
