is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just want nice things and good sex
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
