I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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