you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
