just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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