It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
