Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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