Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
