First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Ladies don't puke and tell
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize