I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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