did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
