where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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