perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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