3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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