From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
