I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
