Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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