sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
