My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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