So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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