i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
