hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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