If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
