somebody snuck up and got me drunk
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
