so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize