Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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