Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
