The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
