Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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